What do you call a dwarf who falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man
Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and
can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.
A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like
I'm turning into coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae '
What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its
hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.
What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
A fly bastart.
Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.
What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named
after a queue for the toilet ?
The Aw Needin Line.
The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shooders'
Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.
Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the
Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler
What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karao ke ?
G'upty Singh
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?'
she asks The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband ' .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if
the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is
under weight. You don't have any milk !'
I know,' she said, 'ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I
came son!'
A wee woman from Glasgow 's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh , she phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?' he cries
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.' She
seemed satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.
A wee hard man
Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.
What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and
can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.
A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like
I'm turning into coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae '
What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its
hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.
What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
A fly bastart.
Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.
What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named
after a queue for the toilet ?
The Aw Needin Line.
The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shooders'
Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.
Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the
Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler
What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karao ke ?
G'upty Singh
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?'
she asks The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband ' .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if
the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is
under weight. You don't have any milk !'
I know,' she said, 'ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I
came son!'
A wee woman from Glasgow 's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh , she phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?' he cries
'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the
name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.
Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the
races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.' She
seemed satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'
'Your horse phoned!' she said.
Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:01 pm by Brandykins
» Despatches - Undercover Designer Dogs
Thu Mar 14, 2013 4:50 am by Admin
» Sulin Puppies 8 weeks
Thu Feb 21, 2013 5:18 am by gbjoce
» Sulin Pups 5 Weeks Today
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» More Sulin Pic's of pups
Sat Feb 02, 2013 12:01 am by Awfal
» HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE DIRTY DOZEN
Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:56 pm by Awfal
» Sulin Puppies Now Four Weeks
Sat Jan 26, 2013 6:39 am by gbjoce
» Are there Birthdays in Heaven?
Wed Jan 09, 2013 6:44 pm by Brandykins
» Hee! hee ! It's Crimbo !
Wed Dec 26, 2012 9:58 pm by Admin